Sweet Tea (FWD) - Curtis Tanberb

Looks dee licious

A  woman goes to the doctor, face swollen.
"What happened?"
I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he hits me.

Doctor says, "I have a real good medicine for that. Next time he comes home drunk,

just take a glass of sweet tea and swish it in your mouth but don't swallow.
And keep swishing until he goes to bed."

Two weeks later the woman is back looking fresh and relaxed.
" Oh, thank you doctor,  Every time he came home drunk,
I kept swishing with sweet tea and he didn't touch me! Not once."
"See how much keeping  your mouth shut helps?"

The Fat Man

Martin Stanovich



Some years ago there was a notorious golf hustler nicknamed, The Fat Man.  He was legendary.  The tales about him are endless. Here is mine.
I met the hustler Marty (Martin) Stanovich) when the notorious golfer from the windy city, who played with celebs like Jackie Gleason, Joe Louis, Dean Martin, Joe Dimaggio and many others, was having lunch with another guy at Bayshore Golf Course.  I was waiting to play with Charley Schwartz,  who came in, called me over and we sat down at the Fat Man's table when the guy he was sitting with, got up and  left.  At the time Charley owned Hamids Pier on the boardwalk in Atlantic City.  It seems they were good friends. Charley introduced me, they started discussing some exploits and it became a fun lunch before Charlie and I went out to play..
A few days later I saw him practicing on  Bayshore's small chipping green which I had to pass to get to the putting green. He saw me, swung and sculled his chip shot.  Said, "shit."  Both elbows clamped to his sides, his hands became shaking fists and the ball, it never got off the ground, went up to the green and it stopped within decent putting distance from the pin.  He smiled at me . . . . .and said,  "In case you missed that".
He swung again, sculled the ball again, his elbows went in tight again, his hands became shaking fists, again.  He said shit again and the ball, it never left the ground, again, it went up to the green stopping within decent putting distance of the pin, again.  And The Fat Man . . . . . .
He  just smiled, . . . again.

One of Rupert's puppets..

Bill O'Reilly

One of my  grandsons thought it would be amusing to give me a signed copy of Bill O'Reilly's book.  So I started to read it.  After a couple of chapters, it became obvious he is trying to tell the reader how to think.  In other words he is insulting his readers capacity to think for themselves.  Example;  right away in the opening chapter, he says he admires the President, and you should too, for taking an unpopular position, a viewpoint which  O'Reilly supports.  And then in the very next chapter he grants himself the right to insult the President for taking a position, which he doesn't support, stating the President is only doing so because it is the popular thing to do.  The entire book follows this pattern.  If you agree with him you are a hero.  If you disagree, you're a pinhead.  Throughout the book and using the first two chapters about the president s an example, he never suggests the possibility of a third option, the president was supporting positions which he thought were in the best interests of the country.

As a Rupert Murdoch hired media puppet, Bill O'Reilly makes a lot of money for saying sound bites, and other things he is told to say, while he is stating his positions.  For him, and his brother sound bite commentators, using criticism of this country for personal gain is what life is all about.  So they are incapable of thinking a President might take positions FOR the country BEFORE any personal considerations.  They have some good Republican examples to follow.
Al Franken, a senator from Minnesota, authored a best selling book, it was about liars and he used O'Reilley's picture on the cover, as one of the examples.  He must be a liar. the book is still on the bookshelves.


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Still Happens



Test cancelled!!

Its Friday, I approach the desk to sign in for my medical exam.  A new receptionist says,
"Sorry Mr. Kaufman we can't do the exam."
"Why not?"
"Because Medicare has discharged you."
"That's ridiculous, will you check the computer?"
She checks and says,
"It says you passed away and gives a date."
"Will you do me a favor?"
"Yes, if I can."
"Will  you fax that notice to the IRS."

Hmmm . . . Service (FWD) - David)

Waiting,,,for service.

Internal Revenue  'Service' 
U.S. Postal  'Service' 
Telephone 'Service' 
Cable TV 'Service'  
Civil  'Service' 
State, City, County & Public 'Service' 
Customer 'Service' 
This is a lot of 'Service' But figure it out.
A farmer overheard another farmer talking to another farmer.  Part of the  Conversaton went;  "He had hired the bull to 'Service' his cows."

Champions

Champions

North Shore tennis team went 21-0 and we were playing for the championship. 
"Howard!!  Howard!! "
"What is it 2?"  (His  name is Juan) 
"Look what they’re doing.  Can they do that?  Its not fair!" 
We were playing the Boys Club from Coral Gables.  The boys club had their own baseball and football fields, and  basketball and tennis and other games that needed  courts and they attracted kids from al over because a lot of parents joined an inexpensive program sponsored by the charity.  In fact they had so many kids they had to disappoint a few because the rosters would fill up.  Even after the league allowed them to enter 2 teams, an A and a B team.  Both tms re very good and they had finished 2^nd and 3^rd   behind North Shore, us.  It appeared the coach took the 1-2-3 players from the ‘B’ team and put them on his 'A' team roster for the tournament.  The match was about to start. I called for a short delay and called the team together. 
 "Is everybody listening?  This is a good lesson for all of you.  What's going on is how things happen in the real world and you will just have to deal with it.  We are going to play without objection so get it out of your head.   Any questions?  OK, lets go, good luck.
We lost singles 4-2.  We won #1 and #2 and lost #3,#4,#5 and#6)  Boy’s Club needed only one of the 3 doubles matches. 
We won #1  doubles  in straight sets.  And then, in real  tough matches, we won #2 and #3. 
Every member of the team got a winners trophy.
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Garrison Keillor (an American Treasure)

Garrison

Garrison says, in the winter, as a youngster, he went fishing on the frozen lake with his uncle.  First they cut a circular hole in the ice of the frozen lake.  Then his uncle took out a can of peas.  After he opened it he put the can at the edge of the hole.
"What's that can of peas for?", asked Garrison
"That's how we catch the fish." he answered,   
"When the fish come out of the lake to take a pea, we catch  em."
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Oil by the Barrel

 



Wasting Oil, Lights on during the day!

President Obama suggested we increase our tire pressure to save oil. Increasing tire pressure slightly increases mileage. On a nationwide basis this makes sense because it make us aware of conservation and will save some oil.
Energy Department (DOE) includes in their oil saving suggestions; Remove the plug from the wall after charging your celphone.  Chargers left plugged into the wall leak energy.  Maybe, but probably more effective for sound bites and one liners.

Breakfast Club members suggest:  Join our 'LIGHTS OUT!!' program.
How?  How do you join?

All these lights are ON (90) during the day!!

Each time you pass a street light that is on during the day, make a note and call the energy company, tell them where it is and to turn it off.  LIGHTS OUT!!  That's it. Your a member.  (Out-of-towners welcome to join in their town.)
Tell all your friends to join.
(Please don't use your cel phone while driving.)


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Seymour

Seymour was a financial whiz.  I’m in his office, when the phone rings.    . . .Seymour says, "What? . .  My check bounced?   .  Put the manager on.  What’s your name?  I’m coming right over."  Among other things he says to me, "I don’t believe it.    If you want to come, come on."  The bank is down the street on the corner of Pinetree and 41^st.  We go in, he finds the guy he spoke to who says the manager is coming in now.  We see him and we follow him into his office.  He says,  Mr. Rubin, what’s the problem?" 

"What’s the problem?  Why did you bounce my check?" 

"Ehhh . . Let me make some calls .  . ."

"’It was the signature Mr. Rubin.’  We're just protecting you."

"Is the check here?  Can you get it please?"  Someone brings in the check.  He asks, "Who is it made out to?" 

"So and so Company."

"Sound familiar to you?"

"Yes sir, its your company."

"This is a $10,000.00 check to cover a deposit on a deal I'm making.  You question my signature on a check from my account at this bank, which I endorse and deposit to my company, which account, is also at this bank.???"

"Ehhh, ehhh, Mr . . . ."
Seymour  holds up his left hand . . ."Never mind, he takes a memo pad from the desk, writes on it,  gives to the manager and says,
"I want you to call this number, ask for this name and tell him whatever the hell you want to tell him and it better be good . . . . ", I say,

"Seymour, its all your fault."

"What?"

"Well If you came into the bank more often they would know you better and they wouldn’t have bounced your check."

"Will you shut the hell up."   He usually doesn’t talk that way.

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Looey

Its Sunday and we are getting ready for our tee shots on the 18th tee on Bayshore Golf course and Looey is playing in the foursome behind us.. We notice a commotion on the slope of the 17th green which we can see from the 18th tee.  Looey has collapsed and is lying on the slope leading to the 17th green.
Someone gets in a cart,  gets on the phone and calls 911.  Emergency arrives very quickly. They do some chest pumping which restores Looey and they take him to Mt. Siani, only a few blocks away.
Looey is put into an intensive care unit, he is in one of the cubicles surrounding a circular intensive care room.  I’m at the doorway of  one of them and Looey's wife is with some doctors and nurses inside the cubicle with Looey who is not awake.  There is a lot of  equipment with video graphs and LEDs which, with tubes and stuff, are attached to Looey.  A nurse says,
I thinks he’s coming around . . . .Looey's eyes open  … he sees me and he says,
“Did the Steelers cover the spread?”


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Gin

Gin hand

We are playing '3 partners on a side' gin, in Looey’s house.  That means 6 handed, 3 players on each side.  Marty (a circuit court judge) is not on my side.  In this hand, of the game we were playing, we have them on a triple blitz.  Blitz means they have not scored yet on any game and if the game finishes that way, as losers, they will have to pay double the amount due for each blitz game.  ($50.00 no blitz) (Blitz-$100.00)  Last game is for double. $100.00 no blitz.  Blitz-$200.00.
My partners  have already won their hands creating a double blitz for them so far in the first two games and if I win and get 15 points in the last game (last game is for $100.00, no blitz, blitz pays double), it’s a triple blitz. ($400.00)  I’m playing against Marty.  He picks a card and I say, off handedly,

"Whadcha’ pick Marty?"
And he says, "The 6 of clubs.". . . . . (excuse me a minute)   Pandemonium.  It’s a good thing there were no firearms available.  Obviously, he did pick the 6 of clubs. 

When a bit of decorum returns, we resume playing the hand.  In my hand I'm set for gin, I need a '3 card' spread and I have 2 7s and a live card.  I pick the 5 of clubs, which matches one of my 7s.  I discard the other 7.  Marty does not want me to know one of the cards in his hand so after he picks, he discards the 6 of clubs.  GIN!!!  (25 extra points)  If you thought it was pandemonium before, forget about it.  (excuse me a couple of minutes)  You really had to be there.


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