Hey You !! Pee in a bottle





Gov. Rock Scott

Politically savvy business people find it easy to make money.. Just find a way to suck it from the government.  If this means a program developed by the government to help people, the very programs they fought against, exceeds its budget, so what?  So what? These programs mostly just help people who need help.  And I find it quite natural the governor would be opposed to regulations.. His company violated a few when he was head honcho.  Can you believe his company had to use 1½ billion of the dollars they had fraudulently collected from Medicare and Medicaid to pay the fines they were penalized for committing the fraud.  And with the rules so lax, the governor should be ashamed of himself.  I mean about getting caught.   But making money that way, if you can sleep with it, can help you have enough money to run for political office. Right, gov?
Hmmm trivia .....How rich would the governor of Florida be, if there was no Medicare or Medicaid?   One could assume he would have founded a similar company to suck from another Federal  program designed to help people who need help.  My moneys' on the gov.  Hey gov, do you see the potential?  You can start  a new educational institute as an opportunity to make money from the new federal programs, designed to help returning vets advance their education.  Piece of cake. 
In other words the people who make it necessary to have rules protecting  taxpayer’s money, are also the ones who are against any regulations.  That makes sense.  And it also makes sense to take the 5^th to protect yourself from the possibility of going to the slammer.   Its hard to run for political office if you're in jail.   I bet when  the Grand Jury was questioning the gov about  breaking laws, if they had also asked him to pee into a bottle he would have taken the 5th for the 76th time. 

I flew in a  2 seater, 2 seats in a row under a canopy, single wing  airplane.  If you had to go, you used what was called a pilot's relief tube. Its a funnel on the end of a tube which guides the pee out of the plane through the tube.  It ends sticking out at the bottom of the fuselage of the plane..  In those day if you were walking sown the street and you felt something like drizzle, it might  not have been rain.  But that's about all I knew about peeing into bottles until I aged a little.. When I heard he wanted people, some of whom voted for him, to pee into bottles, it bothered me.
I thought, "Women too?"
Please register you reaction by checking a box below.              

St John (Or, move over)





 As a fifth grader, St John Fortune was not only # 1 in chess in the State of Florida he was also # 1 in math in the State of  Florida.  And he was in the 94th percentile in reading.  And at the  the National Chess Championship Tournament, held in the State of  Arizona, he was undefeated.  His elementary school,  Toussaint Lourvature, finished 3rd in the tournament.  St. John, like I said, was undefeated in competition and he did all of this this stuff before he received a computer from Dwight's Computers for Kids.  
The next day, after he got his Dwight's computer, he called to tell me he had put a password in the bios and forgot what it was. 

When I went to the apartment to reset the password, I learned his oldest sister had an arguement with her boyfriend and they split.  She had just come home with her 6 month old baby to live with the rest of the family. The thing is, hold on to your hat, John was already living with 11 siblings in this 3 bedroom apartment. The answer to the question you are thinking, is: I don't know, but I'll try .
 

HGK, Benjamen, and St. John

The family gave her one of the bedrooms to share with one sister and that meant everyone else had to make room.  The bedroom I visited had the computer in the middle of the near wall and the chair fit in the space between two sets of bunk beds  Each was each stacked three high against the side walls with a stool on the floor between the beds. 

Everybody, even little Benjamen, who was always naked and running around wherever, and kept grabbing me by the leg and banging on the computer keyboard.  He, like everyone else behaved as if nothing unusual had happened. 

After his father lost his job, they all moved to a 2 bedroom apartment. 

Please click in one of the reaction boxes below.



Lice

With lice you have to be unconventional. You rub a good supply of sand and plenty of alcohol into the scalp and then wait. After the lice get drunk and start fighting, they will throw rocks at each other until they kill each other off.

President of the United States of America

 

The President, Barack Obama

During former President Bush's term of office I was asked for my opinion of what he was doing.  What I said included, I did not  vote for him but since he was now the  president, and for as long as he was, I would give him the benefit of the doubt and my support.
"I believed then and I believe now he had a child-like trust in those who were closest to him."  To their discredit most of their creative thinking was aimed at trying to make the Republican party dominant and on his reelection even at the cost of disservice to our country. .  Yes the GOP did benefit.  But the country was the worse for it.  The effect of President Obama's sincerity of purpose has not only inspired hope throughout the  world, but those who surround him who are selected from our country's most informed and they look to him for inspiration and for leadership. To me, that makes this presidency different.  I'm reminded of.what NFL hall of famer,  Dwight Stephenson's grandfather told him . . . . . .
"If you always do the best you can at whatever you're  doing, good things will just seem to happen."

Please 'CLICK' your reaction in a box, just below. 
(You can make a comment too, if you know how.)

A day like this for every kid;

At age 4  I was hospitalized with Scarlet Fever.  When it came time for me to be discharged from the hospital, the doc said 'no' because a foot rash had not fully healed.  Mom and I pleaded until the doc said to my mother, "Ok, I'll let  him out if you promise you won't let him do anything strenuous." She promised and I got discharged.  I guess my  mother thought that meant forever. I can remember my brother out playing when I was 8 or 9 and she was still keeping me home.  I read every book in the library for my age and as I got older I kept reading at every opportunity. In my teens for one year I played all the sports. But, in football, forget it. In those days if you couldn't run fast, you played the line no matter what you weighed and I was slow and skinny.. In baseball I was ok. I seldom struck out and I could throw accurately tho not very hard and because Sol, our best athlete, wanted to play 2nd, I played 3rd base. I wasn't good enough to play at shortstop Sol, that rat, he was our best athlete and should have played shortstop. But he wanted to play 2nd. At 3rd I always played in close because I didn't want anyone to find out how weak my throwing arm was. The coach would yell and big bruises were all over me but even when I backed up because of the yells from the coach, I would come back in with the pitch no matter who was batting.
 In the league the teams finishing 1st and 2nd would play for the championship at the end of the summer and we finished first. In the championship game, in the bottom of the 7th, our left fielder gets hit on the leg by a pitch and we put in a pinch runner.
When the 8th starts the coach says, Howard you're in left, and the pinch runner plays 3rd. He kept saying he was always afraid I was going to get killed at 3rd. Anyway no fly balls come my way and we finish the 8th 4 runs in front. Now its the top of the 9th and after the other side gets 2 runs, with 2 out, their best hitter comes up and hits a fly ball to left center. I'm running like hell, my glove stretched way out when I step into a grass hidden hole and start to fall. The next thing I know I'm on the ground and unbelievable,. . . . the ball is in my glove.  


Miracles do happen,

Amazed I hold the glove up.  Everybody is yelling,  then they're pounding me and hugging me and I hear a father say.  'That was as good a diving catch as I have ever seen by anyone, anywhere." 
I thanked the Man upstairs and now was positive He had me hit that tree with my head (at 10 or 11) because my mother had told me not to sled down any hills of snow, from the top of the hill and I did not listen.

Please click in a box below showing your reaction.
(You can make a comment too, if you know how.)

Chico

On the 2nd hole Bernie Pallant's son (11 yrs old)  tees off first.  His drive passes the fairway trap on the right. I hit next, hit a good drive for me, short of the same trap. I think, he's not stronger than me, I need some lessons.  Bill Melhorn, a noted pro from the old days says, Howard you're dropping your right shoulder which causes you to slice and lose distance.  After a few lessons, its still a  habit.  So I take a lesson from the new pro from Pittsburgh who tells me at the end of the lesson,  I'm dropping my shoulder. And then I go to Sonny Rouse, a tour player and good instructor.  Habit stays. 

Chico and Maxine

I'm on the practice tee, I'm admiring Bobby Shave who is getting ready to play in the Doral Open. He is hitting ball after ball that bounce in front of the 250 marker.  Chico is giving a lesson  4 spaces down.  He finishes his lesson and is walking off the practice tee when Bobby says, "Hey Chic", and waves him over.  I can't hear what they are saying but Chico slaps a part of Bobby's anatomy and demonstrates with the club in his hand.  Bobby puts a ball on the tee.  Wham!!   Ball flies over the 250 marker.  He puts another ball down, wham!!  Over the marker again.  Says, thanks Chic, and now ball after ball fly over the marker.  Right there I make a decision. 
Chico says, hit a ball.  Ball slices.  He tells me  to hit the ball with a raking feeling, which I did and the ball went straight. It wasn't that easy but his method was to have you do something which would prevent you from doing the bad habit.  The shoulder was never mentioned and I stopped slicing.  .  One year in Chicago, where the pro tour was at that time,  he sees Hal Sutton doing something on the practice range and starts telling him about it. This results in the two of them spending much time before the tournament starts. Hal wins the tournament.  His comment to the press was to credit and thank Chico and say if Chic would just not talk about other things . . . Yes, Chic talked about other things.  My handicap went under 20, than under 15, then under 10 and finally to a 7.  Thanks Chic. And thanks for all the kids you helped.

Please click a box in the reactions below.

Internet

When I order something on the internet, I usually X out of the order on the order-cart page if they forgot my password.  This began happening so often I mentioned it to a friend who suggested maybe it was me who forgot the password.  That seemed reasonable, so now I don't leave when either one of us forget my password, but I still   X  out and now almost as often as before, because they want me to correctly decipher some jumbled letters before they will change my password. And I  need the password to complete the sale. If they want to do that,  I have a suggestion,  stop making those letters as if you don't want them to be understood.

Please click a reaction box below.

Bit:

Why do politicians lie?  Because they think if they told the truth about themselves they couldn't get elected.

Waldo

Waldo



Waldo came late to tennis.  He was a senior in high school, athletic  and had good eye hand coordination.  But his real talent was fixin stuff.  If your car radio went out or if you wanted to add speakers, get Waldo.  As for girls, he  always seemed to have a different girl friend.  There was a whole contingent from Brazil who were always asking me if I knew where he was.  Well anyway graduation was on tap and Waldo told me he was worried about the ceremony.  The teacher said everyone in the class had to wear black shoes.  He didn't have any and he didn't want to ask his Mom.  It also meant he didn't want to say that in front of  his classmates.  I canvassed all the adult players to solve the problem, but no luck.  So Waldo graduated wearing a pair of my black shoes, almost 3 sizes too big, with toilet paper in the toes.  Now Waldo is an adult and a  volunteer for Dwight's Computers for Kids and incidentally, whenever one of my printers goes on the fritz, I call Waldo.   And, it hasn't happened yet but,  if another kid has the black shoe problem, I still have the shoes.

Please 'CLICK' your reaction in a box, just below. 
(You can make a comment too, if you know how.)

Newt

Even if you are a Republican its pretty hard to look favorably at a guy who chooses to tell his wife he's wants a divorce when she is in the hospital being treated for cancer.



But I guess he doesn't think he'd hurt the image of his pals who are in the 'running for president' group.  And even I know Newt is more intelligent than that bunch.   So I guess going on television and saying something one way and then a few days later, on television again, saying exactly the opposite, is not so bad.  Of course they all do it  .Except, would  we want a president like that?  The following poem was inspired by Newt and Republicans who never tire of thinking voters will continue to accept  saying you're going to do stuff even though you have no intention of actually doing it.
"Hey Rand and Newt and all  you politicians,
 watch what you say,
When you take a position on tv; today.
Because YouTube shows both tv spots, right away!"

Please 'CLICK' your reaction in a box, just below. 
(You can make a comment too, if you know how.)

Gabriel and Social Studies.



 

Gabriel came to the US from Mexico.  He and his brother, who is  a few years older, are nice kids and good in school.  It looks like its going to rain and Gabriel looks unhappy.  I say, "something wrong? "
He says, "Well I can't get my social studies, its so different, and I  have a
test on it tomorrow."
"Got your book?" 
"Its in my back pack."  

"Go get it." 



Rafael, Gabrael, Jennifer

We go  where we wont get wet and I start to talk to  him.  "Don't try to remember this stuff but lets see if you can understand it.  If you don't understand something tell me or better yet, ask me a question."   We talk for a little over an  hour, the rain stops so we go out to dry the tennis courts.  Friday he comes after school and I ask him how did he do in the exam.  He says I don't know but so far my best mark in the class was a c.
His mother's job included driving, so on Monday the car drives up, Gabriel gets out of the car running into the center.  "Howard, Howard,  WE got an 'A'."

 

Please 'CLICK' your reaction in a box, just below

Busted (Raz)

Two friends convinced Raz that riding around shooting cars with a paint gun was harmless fun because the paint was water soluble. This might be true if one of the first cars you paint isn't an unmarked patrol car. His mother called and asked if I could help. He was at the Surfside police station.. Someone at the station knew just how to handle it. First they scared the hell out of them, then they waited to be sure the paint came off easily. When it did they let them go.

Raz was always  serious. He wanted to be somebody.  His mom and dad were going to be proud of him .He had a very good serve and filled the  apartment with trophies. If he put the same intensity into his tennis as he did after deciding to be a doctor, he would have been a great player.

His roommate at med school (UM)  was the son of a best selling author who got impossible to get tickets to a trendy South Beach concert. Prices were ridiculous. Seems everyone wanted to go.  Except Raz, who said,

"Its killing me, but I cant go. I got a paper coming up and its due on Monday."

One of the fathers of a kid Raz often played as a junior came over to me and said,  Howard you know I'm a veteran.  Well I just came out of the Veteran's hospital.  Guess who  the doctor taking care of me was?    Raz.

"Well you look well, he  must have done a good job."

Please click a box below to show your reaction.

Pedro

Beach Hi #1s, Pedro & Millie



The Caniza family moved to Miami Beach from Uruguay via Chicago.  Pedro one of 3 sibs comes into the park and starts learning how to play tennis.  He's a  natural.  Our annual 14 & under tournament comes up and I get Mark  Davis, a good doubles player, as a partner  for Pedro.  They make the semi-finals. The opponents know Mark so they hit all balls to Pedro.  They win the first set 6-2.  But, you can see Pedro is learning and adjusting his returns.  Pedro and Mark win the second set and  the third set goes to a tie breaker. Pedro and Mark win 7-6 (7-5) and Pedro is assured of a trophy (1st place or 2nd) in his first tournament.  The team they play  is the 3rd ranked team in the state which means they are very good.  The match goes the same way.  First set 6-2 them, 2nd set 6-2 Pedro and Mark.  In in the third set the tiebreaker goes to 5-5 .  At deuce a ball, hit by the enemy, looks like it may have hit a line and Pedro's Mom shouts. Afuera!!  A discussion ensues with mom joining the ref and the players.  She's heated and insisting the ball was out and the ref has to warn her to stop interfering or he will disqualify Pedro and Mark. Pedro finally calms his mother down. Not an easy thing to do. 

But the ref prevails, the others side win that point and the tie breaker. Pedro and Mark get the runner-up Trophy


Pedro & HGK

 



Pedro's dad does odd jobs and once a month or so drives to a farm to pick-up watermelons.  Every day of the week, in the hot summer sun, you can see Pedro's mom on a causeway with the truck, selling watermelons. Her love for her kids has no limitations.

Please click in  a box below.

Guilty



Justice Scales

No Names.  He is a single parent father doing a good job with his 13 year old son.  He was a star basketball  player with one of the top mid-west basketball colleges and figured to be drafted early.  His love for motorcycles ended that dream.  Now he's a municipal employee who works with kids. From his college playing days he has many friends.
He knows about the Dwight's Computers program and that I had helped some employees who had problems getting their side heard in disputes with the city.

He calls and asks will I accompany him to a disciplinary hearing because he got into a little trouble. I say, " Think twice."  He says, "I know how it is  between you and the department head, but I need someone I can trust, who I know will be with me."  So I agree to go  to the hearing with him.  The city suggests to him that he ask me not to attend.  He says,

"I want Howard with me."  The hearing starts and at one point the city official says shows a letter sized piece of paper and says,,  "When I sign this, you are effectively terminated.  The thing is, he did  not say 'if.'. "
Employee asks, "Do you know so and so?"
"Yes."
"He works for the city doesn't he?"
"Yes."
"Well while he was employed by the city he was charged and convicted of a felony and today he still works for the city, doesn't he?"
"Yes."
"Well I haven't been convicted of anything, how do you explain that?"
"Its a completely different set of circumstances and you still have to go to court."
"But you're convicting me now, he was convicted by a court of law, and him being white and me being black has nothing to do with it?"
".  . . . Of course  not. "
He signs the paper.  His attitude says 'what good is having the power to fire someone if you never use it'.
Outside the employee asks, if I know any lawyers.  I say,
"Third person liability cases?  Colson & Hicks is one of the top law firms in this area".  
I set up an appointment.  Later, after the judge dismisses the case against him, he calls.  He tells me he's dropping the suit.  The reason is, he has an opportunity to get the same job with a different city. 
"Howard you know how it is, if I get the reputation of suing a city, which I will, I may never get another city job. I really enjoy what I do."  Colson  & Hicks, class all the way, assure him if he goes forward he will not lose this case, but they understand and will abide his wishes.

Guilty, (The case)

He is in South Beach with a prominent pro basketball player for the local pro team, a friend from his college days.  In the recent past the friend, a starter for the Heat  had been mugged, he lost some money and jewelry but mostly his pride.  So he carries a licensed gun. 
"Oh geeze, I forgot.  My license does not permit me to carry a gun in places that serve alcohol,  I can't go in here unless you stay outside and hold my gun for me.  I'll be out in less than 15 minutes." 
The door closes and a few minutes later two cops who are driving by stop, come over and ask what he is doing?  He says he is waiting for a friend.  They say someone told them he was dealing, they frisk him and find the gun.  Its a dilemma.  One thing he knows, for sure, involve his friend and the media will have a feeding frenzy.  It could do a lot of stuff to his friend, all bad.   He calls a mutual friend who calls the friend who calls a lawyer who posts bond.

Karlo



Karlo & friend.

Karlo is learning to play tennis. We are hitting balls on court 14. After play on 12 & 13 ends those courts are now empty. A mother comes through the gate in the fence that surrounds these 3 tennis courts.  She is walking a bicycle and holding a small child in the seat, and steering it around court 13. Suddenly mom falls, the bike also falls, and the kid starts crying. Karlo beats me to the bike and picks up the kid.. He turns the child's foot to ease the pressure on the foot, which is caught between the bike's fork frame and the wheel. The kid stops crying. Karlo says Howard, let the air out of the tire. I push the stem in the valve, psssssssssss, the air comes out, the tire gets soft and the kid's foot is released. Karlo gives the kid to mom.  Oh yeah, Karlo is 11.


 

Emergency

Emergency

Its Sunday morning about 9 and I gotta go.  I start to urinate and its looks like pure blood.  I think my bus is about to hit me.  So I get into my car and drive to Emergency.  I park in the tow-away zone so you can tell I think its serious.  I get in a line, I'm 3rd and I give information, including my phone number, and other important stuff.  Then I go sit down . After a while someone with a clipboard comes out, takes me to a little side room and  starts asking questions. She takes my pressure and, you know the routine.   I'm back in a waiting chair, its now about 12:30 when a guy calls my name takes me into another small room.  He asks more questions and says ok, a nurse will come for me.  I gotta go again but I don't want to scare myself, like I did this morning.  A nurse comes and takes me to a closet with a lay down table and gives me a pecan to pee into.  Next comes the doctor who feels around and says,
"You have an infection."  She gets someone to take the now full pecan  for analysis and then leaves.  After about 5 minutes I realize I don't have my ipod or cel phone and you know where my car is parked.  So I walk out of emergency, get in the car and when I get home the phone is ringing,  I answer and its this very nice doctor who says,
"Mr Kaufman you have a bad infection, why did you leave?"  I say,
"I thought you forgot about me."  ('a fib', I thought I could get back before anyone noticed.)
She says, "No, and its important that you come back, right now."  I get into the car and park in a safe area near emergency and walk back in.  This time they're waiting for me.  I get express handling and the next thing you know I'm on one of those 1 1/2 feet wide lay down bed type stretchers on wheels, with a long steel pole beside my head and what looks like a coat hanger at the top.   There's a bag of 'water like' stuff hanging at the top of the coat hanger and its connected to me through an intravenous needle.  They park me in the hallway saying all the rooms are filled.  Everyone is nice and asking more questions and writing down stuff and I notice its now after 5 and I haven't had anything to eat.  I try to make a call but the cel wont work because of electrical interference or something, So I ask a nurse, and she says you're going to a room  in the hospital and it'll have a phone.  The room has 2 beds and a big clock.  Its 6:25 and I find out delivery of food trays end before 6.  I don't want to upset anyone but I do tell a nurse's aid I missed supper.  So she scrounges up an unused tray.  Everything is dried out and the chicken looks like it died on the way to being killed.  But the apple juice and roll were fine.  I take out my ipod and start reading Ben Franklin again.  Shit!  I forgot the chargers.  About 15 minutes later it looks like I.m getting company.  Turns out its Stanley who goes from a wheel chair into the bed with very much needed assistance.  In other words this guy is sick. He starts talking in a very loud voice so I put my hearing aid on the tray by the bed.  Uh uh, doesn't work at all., Stanley is talking, I mean loud.  I can still hear him clearly and I think they can easily hear him in the hall.  I say to the nurse who is trying to make him comfortable, nurse will you tell Stanley I'm on to him and it ain't gonna work. 
Stanley says, "What?" 
I say, "If you think you can get me to ask to have you taken out of the room so you can eventually get a room to yourself,  forget it, unless you have something to bribe me with.  Talk as loud as you like cause I ain't gonna do it."  He tells me he has 2 grown children who live in Philadelphia and Illinois and his wife divorced him.  I ask why she did that and he says,
"She said I was a loser."
I say, "Stanley, forget that, Stanley, that ain't the real reason she divorced you." 
He says, "you don't think so?" 
I say, " No, if I was your wife I'd divorce you because you talk so freakin loud."
The nurse who is making a mess of my free arm getting blood, almost breaks the needle.  I say to Stanley, "Hold on, there's serious stuff going on here."  (A curtain is between us) and I say to the nurse,
Why don’t you just get me a pecan, you'll get all the blood you need"
She looks at my food tray and says you didn't eat anything.  I say,
"Tell the truth, does that look like chicken?"  She disappears and a little later when she has to take more tests she quietly puts some individually wrapped graham crackers on my tray.  Stanley says,
"My doctor told me I only have 5 days to live." 
I say, "What?  When was that?" 
He says, "Thursday." 
I say, "Stanley I think you should get another doctor." 
He says, "Are you just kidding?" 
I say, "Well yes and no." 
He says "I'm gonna do it, get a 2nd opinion." 
I tell him some true stories, like about an uncle whose doctor told him he had 6 months to live and many years later  he read in the paper the doctor had died. And anyway I don't think its true because if it was they wouldn't put you in a room with me, just because you talk so freaking loud.  Tuesday nite I say, "Stanley I'm leaving tomorrow."
He says, "They told you already?"
And I say, "No I'm waiting for the nurse so I can tell her now." 
"So how do you know." 
"Because the Heat game is Thursday and anyway that will make it a week for you and I don't have to worry about you anymore because then, for sure your doctor made a mistake. We just don't know how big.  And as for me they're just trying to find a reason to keep me in the hospital because they need customers."  Wednesday the nurse comes in and I don't like the look in her eyes. 
"What?" 
She says, "your sugar number is low."
"Ain't that good? What is it?"
"54, we have to give you some medication to bring it up". 
I say,  "No you don't. Just don't give me any medication at all, and it'll go up by itself.  I'm taking medication to bring it down.  You must have given me too much".  She looks back a few pages on the chart and says,
"You might be right.  How much do you take at home?" 
"Two and a half of what ever the hell it is per pill" and she says, "Um hm we gave you 5s." 
A little later I go over to say goodbye. 
"Stanley, now you can get your own room, just keep talking that loud, but I have a confession." 
"What's that." 
"Remember when you came in and asked the nurse's aid to put 44 on your TV?" 
"Yes." 
"I knew you meant Fox channel and I also knew the right number."
"So why didn't you tell me?" 
"Because Stanley, I don't like that channel and you didn't ask me."
We wished good luck and said good bye.

Stanley; part 2



Hospital

Stanley?  You still up?
"Yah."
"What time is it?"
"Its 12.01, can't you see the clock?"
Stanley.  That means its Tuesday.  I told you that Doctor was wrong. He can't be too clever.  He could set a new world record for being wrong."
"I'm gonna get a second opinion."
"Well, forget that. I got something important. Did you know Glen Beck wrote a book?"
"I didn't read it." "Good.  But I just think you should see it.  Look at the picture he picked out to be on the cover.  He’s sneering and is dressed in a nazi uniform."
"Nooooo."
"Yeah.  And it’s a good picture too, he looks just like a storm trooper.  The thing is, what kind of a mind would think a picture like that would help the sales of his book?  It screams out loud who he  is."
"Well maybe you’re right, some friends were trying to tell me things about him.  I think I’m not gonna listen to him anymore."
"Come on Stanley, now you’re just trying to make me feel better."
"Mr Kaufman, did you hear me calling the States Attorney’s office?"
"Stanley, I took my hearing aid out, its still out.  But no matter, you really talk too loud.  its after 12 and they can hear you in the next room."
"Well this guy, who’s a friend of the family, got my check book and cashed a check for $1125.00.  I’m not going to let him get away with it.  I need that money.  I changed my bank but I can’t get my money back."
"What did the attorney general’s office say."
 "They said I should write them a letter or an email."
"You’re lucky."
"Lucky?"
"Whenever I make that kind of call they tell me to press #1 or #2 and then by the time I press all the combinations I either  forget what the hell I was calling for, or I get disconnected." 
"I’m not onto this new stuff."
"No cel phone." 
"Yeah I got a cel phone.  Oh Jesus, the bill is due.  But I mean tech stuff, I just use it for a phone."
"Well listen Stanley, I got this friend and I was trying to get him to get a computer.  Couldn’t  do it.  Stubborn, just like you.  But anyway
he’s a Catholic and he comes into my office after he comes back from visiting Europe. He went to Rome, and the Vatican.   He starts telling me how much he enjoyed seeing Michelangelo and the ceiling."


I say, " wait a minute.  Come over here."  I sit down at a computer in my office, the one my secretary uses when she’s doing stuff in my office, I punch a few keys.  The screen starts flashing and after I hit a few more we can see inside the Chapel .  . . . . . .And then we can see the painting on the ceiling. I make it larger . . .and larger . . . and larger. His mouth is open, he's gaping.  He Says, "Howard, I'm going to get a computer. Will you still show me how to use it?

 

Please 'CLICK' your reaction in a box, just below  

A Healthy Back

Is that Greg hitting practice sand shots and then practice chip shots and putting?  Hey Greg you look great, what happened. 
See that guy on the third practice tee?
You mean the skinny black guy with the tiny blue square glasses?
That's  him.  Know who he is? 
I was hitting balls next to him yesterday but I don' know who he is. 
He is a physical therapist.  Know Dr. DeBaky? 
The heart transplant doc in Houston?
Yep, well  DeBaky uses  him for his patients..  He gave me a little stand up massage and told  me a simple exercise he says will keep my back healthy.  I did it for more than a week and here I am playing golf with no back pain.  Don't ask me any questions,  he's a real  nice guy, go up and ask him.
Remember me from yesterday? 
Sure. 
I was just talking to Greg and he thinks you did a miracle.
No miracle, just a simple exercise.  I felt his back and fortunately I think that's all that was wrong with him.  You playing?
Yes.
Well just find a tree limb that exceeds you reach and reach up from the cart and grab the limb.  Then relax and hang, and I mean relax, and stretch as far as you can..  Then bend your head as far back as you can and hold for a few seconds.  Then bend you head as far to the front as possible and hold it again for a few seconds.  That's all you do but do it twice each time.  Once a week. That's it. 
What's it do.
It stretches the spine and the area around your discs.  Some discs get little exercise, stiffen up, and you get problems.  Look, he presses a finger joint.  Pop.  Hear the noise?    Watch.  He bends his head back as far as he can, holds it and then bends forward and I hear, pop,pop,pop.  That's air from around the disc area.  He can do it just standing.
What if I cant find a tree?
You can use a bar or limb that you can reach standing, but its not as effective.  You grab the bar, relax and stretch out, that's the important part. You have to bend you legs at the knees till you're off the ground and then do the exercise.  But, you must stay fully stretched and relaxed all the time, and that's not as easy as it sounds.
I say to him, I don't listen to many people about things like this but I'm going to do it.  Thanks a lot.
That was over 30 years ago.  In 1986 I used a bar over the seats beside court #10 at North Shore.  About 1990 I went to a new location that didn't have a  handy bar, I didn't look for a new one and after a couple of months I had a very, very uncomfortable back experience for the first time since I started.   I got back on it as fast as I could.  No problems since.  Maybe I'm just lucky, but on this issue, I don't think so.  And, last I heard, Greg's back problems did not return.

Never be wrong again.

I'm never wrong, ask anybody. Never lost an argument.   So whats the secret.  OK, but don't tell anybody, you will destroy my mystique.
In any discussion if you think there is the remotest possibility that you are wrong, don't argue.  (simple eh?)
Or at the very least, shut the hell up.

Anthony

 

Little Anthony, HGK, Big Anthony





Anthony says, "Howard I want you to fix my forehand."

"Listen Anthony, you never listen." 

"Yeah, yeah, but this time I promise to  listen, I want to play higher up on my college team." 

"You're still on the team?"  

"Its kinda testy, but now we're cool."

Turns out it wasn't his forehand.  His movement off his backhand was too slow.  We fixed it and Anthony made All America 1st team doubles and 2nd team singles. 

A younger Anthony told me he wanted to make some money, could I help get  him a job?  So when I  said, Anthony, I got you a job at so and so gas station and if you put in enough time you can make $200.00 a week, he said,

"I want to make $400." 

"What?  Not smart, why don't you want to make $800."

His mother, a very lovely young lady, brought her 2 sons from Cuba and now 2nd son Abraham has passed the bar exam, is a practicing lawyer and Anthony has his own financial business.   When he was an executive with Office Depot he not only convinced them to donate 75 pieces of computer equipment to our Dwight's Computers for Kids program, he rented a truck and with a friend carried and delivered every piece .  (Click here to see link:)   Dwight's kids.

Girls were always chasing after him. They were something else.  I  asked one girl de jour, what do you see in that guy?  She said, "He's just like Tom Cruise only better looking."
He  meets a girl who returns to New York, and he flies up to be with  her.
His date for the  prom was a knockout and she had this new white BMW convertible.  So he gets into a fight with her father, which isn't as bad as a fight with a mother, and in this case it even helped him.  It brought them  closer together.  Of course the father sent her away to college.

                                

Stem cells. Yes? No?

I have a difficult memory.  He was a friend of a friend.  I met him shortly after he started going out without some of the bandages covering his face. He looked like his was wearing a make up costume for a movie.  He had been a Mustang pilot and a combat crash caused severe burns  from his shoulders up.  For a long time they didn't expect him to make it. His face, his ears and other facial features were badly burned when his plane crashed.    His facial features were being rebuilt over an extensive period of time..  Later he told me what he saw in my eyes, he saw in all eyes.
See something wonderful and special!!!  An amazing new health discovery. Its not what you expect.  You wont believe it.

. Click link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eXO_ApjKPaI (To return to this blog after skingun,  Click the X (exit)  on the link page,  top right.)

Judge ??

Marty had been a Municipal judge and just before the filing deadline he files to be a candidate against one of our better judges.  
I say, Marty are you nuts?  He's one of the most popular judges we ever had.  He says,
I know that, that's why nobody else has filed.   The last day for filing passes and Marty is BEAMING, he says,
I’m going to be a circuit court judge.  I say,
"Hah, hah you forget a minor item like the election."  As he is walking to the tee he says,
"I am not going to win the election."

In my opinion Marty was more than qualified to be a circuit judge, one thing for sure, he knew the law and he was also a  decent person.  Election is over and the present judge gets 72% of the vote.  Marty files a suit contending the judge was ineligible to run.  It seems Marty had a different opinion of the new age limit law, passed by the legislature, which everyone else thought grandfathered in all present judges.  Marty’s interpretation won the day and Marty became a circuit court judge.

Sweet Tea (FWD) - Curtis Tanberb

Looks dee licious

A  woman goes to the doctor, face swollen.
"What happened?"
I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he hits me.

Doctor says, "I have a real good medicine for that. Next time he comes home drunk,

just take a glass of sweet tea and swish it in your mouth but don't swallow.
And keep swishing until he goes to bed."

Two weeks later the woman is back looking fresh and relaxed.
" Oh, thank you doctor,  Every time he came home drunk,
I kept swishing with sweet tea and he didn't touch me! Not once."
"See how much keeping  your mouth shut helps?"

The Fat Man

Martin Stanovich



Some years ago there was a notorious golf hustler nicknamed, The Fat Man.  He was legendary.  The tales about him are endless. Here is mine.
I met the hustler Marty (Martin) Stanovich) when the notorious golfer from the windy city, who played with celebs like Jackie Gleason, Joe Louis, Dean Martin, Joe Dimaggio and many others, was having lunch with another guy at Bayshore Golf Course.  I was waiting to play with Charley Schwartz,  who came in, called me over and we sat down at the Fat Man's table when the guy he was sitting with, got up and  left.  At the time Charley owned Hamids Pier on the boardwalk in Atlantic City.  It seems they were good friends. Charley introduced me, they started discussing some exploits and it became a fun lunch before Charlie and I went out to play..
A few days later I saw him practicing on  Bayshore's small chipping green which I had to pass to get to the putting green. He saw me, swung and sculled his chip shot.  Said, "shit."  Both elbows clamped to his sides, his hands became shaking fists and the ball, it never got off the ground, went up to the green and it stopped within decent putting distance from the pin.  He smiled at me . . . . .and said,  "In case you missed that".
He swung again, sculled the ball again, his elbows went in tight again, his hands became shaking fists, again.  He said shit again and the ball, it never left the ground, again, it went up to the green stopping within decent putting distance of the pin, again.  And The Fat Man . . . . . .
He  just smiled, . . . again.

One of Rupert's puppets..

Bill O'Reilly

One of my  grandsons thought it would be amusing to give me a signed copy of Bill O'Reilly's book.  So I started to read it.  After a couple of chapters, it became obvious he is trying to tell the reader how to think.  In other words he is insulting his readers capacity to think for themselves.  Example;  right away in the opening chapter, he says he admires the President, and you should too, for taking an unpopular position, a viewpoint which  O'Reilly supports.  And then in the very next chapter he grants himself the right to insult the President for taking a position, which he doesn't support, stating the President is only doing so because it is the popular thing to do.  The entire book follows this pattern.  If you agree with him you are a hero.  If you disagree, you're a pinhead.  Throughout the book and using the first two chapters about the president s an example, he never suggests the possibility of a third option, the president was supporting positions which he thought were in the best interests of the country.

As a Rupert Murdoch hired media puppet, Bill O'Reilly makes a lot of money for saying sound bites, and other things he is told to say, while he is stating his positions.  For him, and his brother sound bite commentators, using criticism of this country for personal gain is what life is all about.  So they are incapable of thinking a President might take positions FOR the country BEFORE any personal considerations.  They have some good Republican examples to follow.
Al Franken, a senator from Minnesota, authored a best selling book, it was about liars and he used O'Reilley's picture on the cover, as one of the examples.  He must be a liar. the book is still on the bookshelves.


Please register you reaction by checking a box below.
You can sign a comment with your face-book or twitter signature.

Still Happens



Test cancelled!!

Its Friday, I approach the desk to sign in for my medical exam.  A new receptionist says,
"Sorry Mr. Kaufman we can't do the exam."
"Why not?"
"Because Medicare has discharged you."
"That's ridiculous, will you check the computer?"
She checks and says,
"It says you passed away and gives a date."
"Will you do me a favor?"
"Yes, if I can."
"Will  you fax that notice to the IRS."

Hmmm . . . Service (FWD) - David)

Waiting,,,for service.

Internal Revenue  'Service' 
U.S. Postal  'Service' 
Telephone 'Service' 
Cable TV 'Service'  
Civil  'Service' 
State, City, County & Public 'Service' 
Customer 'Service' 
This is a lot of 'Service' But figure it out.
A farmer overheard another farmer talking to another farmer.  Part of the  Conversaton went;  "He had hired the bull to 'Service' his cows."

Champions

Champions

North Shore tennis team went 21-0 and we were playing for the championship. 
"Howard!!  Howard!! "
"What is it 2?"  (His  name is Juan) 
"Look what they’re doing.  Can they do that?  Its not fair!" 
We were playing the Boys Club from Coral Gables.  The boys club had their own baseball and football fields, and  basketball and tennis and other games that needed  courts and they attracted kids from al over because a lot of parents joined an inexpensive program sponsored by the charity.  In fact they had so many kids they had to disappoint a few because the rosters would fill up.  Even after the league allowed them to enter 2 teams, an A and a B team.  Both tms re very good and they had finished 2^nd and 3^rd   behind North Shore, us.  It appeared the coach took the 1-2-3 players from the ‘B’ team and put them on his 'A' team roster for the tournament.  The match was about to start. I called for a short delay and called the team together. 
 "Is everybody listening?  This is a good lesson for all of you.  What's going on is how things happen in the real world and you will just have to deal with it.  We are going to play without objection so get it out of your head.   Any questions?  OK, lets go, good luck.
We lost singles 4-2.  We won #1 and #2 and lost #3,#4,#5 and#6)  Boy’s Club needed only one of the 3 doubles matches. 
We won #1  doubles  in straight sets.  And then, in real  tough matches, we won #2 and #3. 
Every member of the team got a winners trophy.
Please click a box in reactions below.

Garrison Keillor (an American Treasure)

Garrison

Garrison says, in the winter, as a youngster, he went fishing on the frozen lake with his uncle.  First they cut a circular hole in the ice of the frozen lake.  Then his uncle took out a can of peas.  After he opened it he put the can at the edge of the hole.
"What's that can of peas for?", asked Garrison
"That's how we catch the fish." he answered,   
"When the fish come out of the lake to take a pea, we catch  em."
Please check you reaction in a box below.

Oil by the Barrel

 



Wasting Oil, Lights on during the day!

President Obama suggested we increase our tire pressure to save oil. Increasing tire pressure slightly increases mileage. On a nationwide basis this makes sense because it make us aware of conservation and will save some oil.
Energy Department (DOE) includes in their oil saving suggestions; Remove the plug from the wall after charging your celphone.  Chargers left plugged into the wall leak energy.  Maybe, but probably more effective for sound bites and one liners.

Breakfast Club members suggest:  Join our 'LIGHTS OUT!!' program.
How?  How do you join?

All these lights are ON (90) during the day!!

Each time you pass a street light that is on during the day, make a note and call the energy company, tell them where it is and to turn it off.  LIGHTS OUT!!  That's it. Your a member.  (Out-of-towners welcome to join in their town.)
Tell all your friends to join.
(Please don't use your cel phone while driving.)


Please 'CLICK' your reaction in a box, just below.

Seymour

Seymour was a financial whiz.  I’m in his office, when the phone rings.    . . .Seymour says, "What? . .  My check bounced?   .  Put the manager on.  What’s your name?  I’m coming right over."  Among other things he says to me, "I don’t believe it.    If you want to come, come on."  The bank is down the street on the corner of Pinetree and 41^st.  We go in, he finds the guy he spoke to who says the manager is coming in now.  We see him and we follow him into his office.  He says,  Mr. Rubin, what’s the problem?" 

"What’s the problem?  Why did you bounce my check?" 

"Ehhh . . Let me make some calls .  . ."

"’It was the signature Mr. Rubin.’  We're just protecting you."

"Is the check here?  Can you get it please?"  Someone brings in the check.  He asks, "Who is it made out to?" 

"So and so Company."

"Sound familiar to you?"

"Yes sir, its your company."

"This is a $10,000.00 check to cover a deposit on a deal I'm making.  You question my signature on a check from my account at this bank, which I endorse and deposit to my company, which account, is also at this bank.???"

"Ehhh, ehhh, Mr . . . ."
Seymour  holds up his left hand . . ."Never mind, he takes a memo pad from the desk, writes on it,  gives to the manager and says,
"I want you to call this number, ask for this name and tell him whatever the hell you want to tell him and it better be good . . . . ", I say,

"Seymour, its all your fault."

"What?"

"Well If you came into the bank more often they would know you better and they wouldn’t have bounced your check."

"Will you shut the hell up."   He usually doesn’t talk that way.

Please 'CLICK' your reaction in a box, just below.

Looey

Its Sunday and we are getting ready for our tee shots on the 18th tee on Bayshore Golf course and Looey is playing in the foursome behind us.. We notice a commotion on the slope of the 17th green which we can see from the 18th tee.  Looey has collapsed and is lying on the slope leading to the 17th green.
Someone gets in a cart,  gets on the phone and calls 911.  Emergency arrives very quickly. They do some chest pumping which restores Looey and they take him to Mt. Siani, only a few blocks away.
Looey is put into an intensive care unit, he is in one of the cubicles surrounding a circular intensive care room.  I’m at the doorway of  one of them and Looey's wife is with some doctors and nurses inside the cubicle with Looey who is not awake.  There is a lot of  equipment with video graphs and LEDs which, with tubes and stuff, are attached to Looey.  A nurse says,
I thinks he’s coming around . . . .Looey's eyes open  … he sees me and he says,
“Did the Steelers cover the spread?”


Please 'CLICK' your reaction in a box, just below.

Gin

Gin hand

We are playing '3 partners on a side' gin, in Looey’s house.  That means 6 handed, 3 players on each side.  Marty (a circuit court judge) is not on my side.  In this hand, of the game we were playing, we have them on a triple blitz.  Blitz means they have not scored yet on any game and if the game finishes that way, as losers, they will have to pay double the amount due for each blitz game.  ($50.00 no blitz) (Blitz-$100.00)  Last game is for double. $100.00 no blitz.  Blitz-$200.00.
My partners  have already won their hands creating a double blitz for them so far in the first two games and if I win and get 15 points in the last game (last game is for $100.00, no blitz, blitz pays double), it’s a triple blitz. ($400.00)  I’m playing against Marty.  He picks a card and I say, off handedly,

"Whadcha’ pick Marty?"
And he says, "The 6 of clubs.". . . . . (excuse me a minute)   Pandemonium.  It’s a good thing there were no firearms available.  Obviously, he did pick the 6 of clubs. 

When a bit of decorum returns, we resume playing the hand.  In my hand I'm set for gin, I need a '3 card' spread and I have 2 7s and a live card.  I pick the 5 of clubs, which matches one of my 7s.  I discard the other 7.  Marty does not want me to know one of the cards in his hand so after he picks, he discards the 6 of clubs.  GIN!!!  (25 extra points)  If you thought it was pandemonium before, forget about it.  (excuse me a couple of minutes)  You really had to be there.


Please register you reaction by checking a box below.