Chicken Soup

This was more than a few years ago, Dr. Stanley Jonas, a friend and a great doctor says,
"Howard you need to have your colon examined." 
"Does it hurt?  "
"Nah, They have this new scope that shows the colon on a TV.  The colon has no nerve endings. You wont feel anything, its quick and painless ."   He recommends a doctor and  has his secretary call for an appointment. I call that doctor's office and his assistant gives me a date, a time, and a room number at Mt. Sinai hospital..



Despite my protests Rae insists, she wants to go with me.  We are on the third floor on a hallway with the entrances of most rooms covered with heavy see-thru plastic.  White wall plaster all over the plastic. The hospital is renovating.  We find this  narrow hallway with a few chairs against the wall on one side, and door knobs on doors to letter numbered rooms on the other.  Rae takes a seat and I find and go to the floor reception desk.  I tell the nurse who I am and she says go wait in the hall (the one I came from)  and she will tell the doctor I'm there.  After about 10 minutes the doctor arrives, we all say hello, he leads me to one of the rooms and we go in.  Its a very small room.  Maybe seven and half feet wide and at best ten feet long.
At the near end of the room there is a 12" TV on a flat oval top table, against the wall, with about  a foot or two between it and the  exam table. The TV is on, with the glowing screen showing snow. 


You will feel something cold,

Another table, this one rectangular is alongside the side wall and has about a foot or so clearance from the exam table. Doc is sitting  beside it, against the wall, and behind the lengthwise exam table , where he can easily reach a patient. He says, " Take off your pants and shorts, get on the table and lay on your right side.  "On the table to his left , is a hi fi tuner look-alike gadget.  He is  holding something attached to one end of it..  Its black  and looks a like a skinny cattle prong.  On the other end of the gadget are some knobs and a switch. The extendable prong has  2 black wires running along the bottom.  At the end of the wires,  is a very small solid glass bulb  and what looks like the shiny half of a large BB type pellet. He flips the switch,  the bulb lights up and the TV gets brighter.   He smothers the entire, about 14" prong, with some goo, looks like Vaseline, and says,
"This will be over in a minute"
WOOOOOOOOPs.  I feel something cold slipping in, someplace.

Fat worm?

The TV shows something entering what looks like a cave and resembles the inside of a very fat red worm. The probe works its way further and further into the cave until we see a little stalactite hanging from the roof just before the end of the cave..  Doc says, 
"Ahaa"  What  looks like a small see thru  strainer basket, on one wire, just under the light,  pops out and works its way entirely around the stalactite, like a snare, until the top of the basket is flush with the wall, and then a small blade comes out and cuts it off.  Plop, its in the basket.  The prong  starts to move backwards, slowly, until its removed completely.  Doc shows me what's in the basket. And says, 
"There's the little 'bugger' (pun I guess)."  It doesn't look big.  A very soft gooey glob of internal flesh. We'll just send him up to the lab to make sure everything is ok.  He hands me some Kleenex which I use and throw into a lift up top, container, lined with a plastic bag. ..
Doc now turns the basket on the wire so its cargo falls into a glass tube filled with some liquid. He says,
"That's it.  Put your shorts and pants back on and you can  leave."  I look at him, the whole episode didn't take more than ten minutes.  I say, very loud, OHHHHHH!!!  OHHHHHHHHH!!!
"Whats the matter? Whats the matter?"
"WOOOHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"  Even louder.
Mr. Kaufman.  What is it Mr. Kaufman??  What is it??   I say,
"Listen Doc.  My wife is just outside the door, waiting.  If I go out this fast she might think it was not a big deal.  But if she heard me, and I think she did, that's different.   I'll get some TLC, some chicken soup and other goodies.  And she happens to be a good cook, I may even get some home baked key lime pie,.  Please, let me take an extra minute or two."

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